Friday, February 14, 2020

Week 5 Story: Brother's Business

"Hey bro, wanna come watch my back while I kick some dude’s ass?”

Sugriva read the text from his older brother Vali and sighed. He had better things to do than be engaging in another one of his brother’s fights, but being younger he often got dragged into his brother’s problems anyway. He begrudgingly throws on a hoodie and meets his brother outside in the quickly darkening twilight.

Sugriva is stationed outside a drugstore by the place where Vali planned the confrontation, to be a lookout and emergency backup. He yawns and pulls out his phone to check SnapChat while waiting for his brother to take care of business. He idly clicks through SnapChat stories, only really paying attention when Vali’s girlfriend’s pictures popped up…he thought she was really hot, but obviously his brother had pounced first…as usual. He grumbles to himself as a text from his brother pops up on his phone.

“Lil bro, I chased this jackass into a dark alley. Come stand guard at the mouth of it until I come back.”

Why did Vali have to be so bossy? Sugriva drags his feet but, unable to say no to his big brother, shuffles to the alley and waits. He expected Vali to come swaggering out, wiping sweat off his face in twenty, maybe thirty minutes tops. But Vali doesn’t come. Sugriva waits an hour, then another, then another, until the sun starts to rise and early morning runners begin to give him suspicious looks as they jog by.  He decides to text his brother…what was taking so long?

“Dude, where are you?”
                                No answer.
“It’s literally already morning, people are looking at me like I’M gonna drag them into the alley and beat them up. You done yet?”
                                Still no answer.

Sugriva decides maybe a phone call will make the matter seem more urgent. He dials Vali but the phone rings and goes to voicemail.
               
Tuesday. 9:30 a.m. “Dude, It’s been a whole day. I’ve gotta go home…I mean, I assume you’re okay? If you are you should pick up my freakin’ calls.”
                
Wednesday. 8 p.m. “Vali this isn’t funny anymore. Come home, your girlfriend’s worried…and, um, I guess I kinda am too. Never thought I’d miss your annoying ass.”
                
Friday. 12:45 p.m. “Dude I don’t know what the hell kinda stunt you’re pulling, but your girlfriend’s really upset. I’ve been spending a ton of time with her…comforting her…um, anyway, sorry I dipped when I was supposed to be guarding your back. I kinda figured you’d come back later…”
               
Monday. 9:25 p.m. “Vali…you’re not coming back, are you. PLEASE answer me. Tell me I’m wrong.”
               
Thursday. 10 a.m. “I don’t know why I’m still calling your voicemail…I guess it kinda makes me feel better, since I know I’ll never REALLY talk to you again. I, uh, started dating your girlfriend. She was really upset and missed you and I kinda stepped in to comfort her…so she’s mine now. Hope you’re doing okay wherever you are big bro…rest in peace.”

Missed Messages (Stephen Krow, link)


Author’s Note: This was an adaptation of the story of Sugriva and Vali, where Vali went into a hole to fight an enemy; after a year Sugriva assumed he was dead and went home to take over his brother’s kingdom (represented here by Vali’s girlfriend.) Vali returns eventually and exiles Sugriva. It's set in a modern context emphasizing modern technology, which probably should have improved their communication skills (but did not.)

Source: Ramayana, The Epic of Rama, Prince of India by Romesh Dutt (link)

7 comments:

  1. Hi Alana Rose! I really like the modern take you took with the story. It definitely made the characters more relatable with the use of texting and Snapchat. It also added a layer of mystery and panic whenever Sugriva didn't know where his brother was too. When reading the story, I could feel Sugriva's panic and eventual sorrow when he couldn't find his brother, so good job evoking those emotions. Did you consider maybe exploring Sugriva's relationship with the girlfriend and how that relationship came to be. I think that would add another layer of complexity to the story and allow some more character exploration. Good job with the story!

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  2. Hey Alana!
    I really like how you changed the font for the text messages. It really made them pop out and made your story look really interesting. You did a really great job of displaying Sugriva's evolving emotions and thoughts through the frequent voicemails as well. I wonder what Vali's response would have been when he finally got all the messages.

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  3. Hi Alana!
    Like you, this original episode from Ramayana really resonated with me, and I also wrote an adapted story on their relationship in my portfolio. I love how you used the effects of different fonts and italics to distinguish the means of communication-- typewriter font for texts and italics for phone calls and voicemails. This was a great idea, and it helps the reader to track more of the details occuring between the two characters. From the way you developed these characters with the dialogue used in this story, I conclude that there is a deeper issue on the lack and inconsistencies of communication between the brothers. What was the root of this tension? Was it jealousy or anger about something that happened in the past?
    The lack of communication on Vali's end, really builds up the mystery of his motives and whereabouts, but perhaps it would be interesting to incorporate his perspective on their relationship. We know that he is clearly ignoring Sugriva, however, how is Vali interpreting all of these texts? Maybe for even more of a dramatic effect you could have one of the brothers block the other number on the phone. Great work, and I look forward to reading more!

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  4. Hi Alana. I like your take on this story and you did a great job to modernize it. You had a way of making this story intense especially when we are waiting to see what happened to Vali. Do you think that it would be helpful to add to the end of this story so that the reader finds out what happened to Vali or if he returns and becomes angry at his brother? Maybe he could fight him since he seems to love to get into fights. I think it would improve your story if you were to add a little context to why Vali is going to fight in the alley and explain a little why Vali can't go check on him. This was a great story and I look forward to reading more!

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  5. Hi Alana! (I am going to try the T.A.G. approach in my comment.) I really do love how you have created dialogue through text messages and voicemails. This is a brilliant idea and really transforms the time period of the setting from centuries ago to the modern age. Also, by incorporating text messages, the stories become very relatable. It seems like I could be Vali, Sugriva, or the girlfriend. I wonder, however, how the girlfriend feels about the brother of her boyfriend making a move on her? I wonder what her perspective was? Did she feel that she had no choice but to be with the brother? Did she actual like Sugriva? My only suggestion to the story would be to dive into her character more. She plays a great supporting role in the scene. However, in my opinion, her thoughts and opinions can greatly add to the story and she can have a transition from a supporting role to a main role.

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  6. I may be the only one that thought this was the best allusion ever, but the fact that you alluded Vali's kingdom to his girlfriend was amazing (and kinda cute)! It makes you go "aw" to think that a kingdom is equivalent to a significant other. This truly was a story of a "mr. steal yo girl" if you know what I mean... haha! Wishing you all the best in the rest of your semester!

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  7. Hi Alana, great interpretation of the power struggle between Vali and Sugriva. I honestly understand their characters way better now that I've read your story. Your different formatting adds a lot of uniqueness to your story as well– for the text messages as well as the voicemails! Your does make me dislike Sugriva a lot more than I did when I initially read his character in the Ramayana, but I suppose that's just a testament to how well you wrote the story!

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